It is good to talk!
I have always been the strong one. I have always given my shoulders for others to cry on. I have always listened to others discuss their heartache and hardly shared mine, because I could handle my own, until the day I went into hospital to give birth to my first son. After 8 hours of labour with intense pain and in and out of sleep, I woke up to find the room full of medics and the Registrar asked me ‘do you understand what is going on? We cannot find a heartbeat! I nodded my head but thought it can’t be and I was waiting to give birth to my son and was positive he would be born alive. He never uttered a sound after he was born, you could actually hear a pin drop in the room. It is a scenario no one would ever wish to live again and I did nine months down the line.
So, being the person that I am, who could I talk to? I am so grateful for the relationship I have with my husband, we talked a lot and sometimes we sat quietly as words sometimes could not express how we felt and other times we cried individually and together. But we believed against hope and were confident our story would have a great ending.
Despite my secretive nature and keeping things to myself, I knew I could not handle this on my own. Yes, I talked to God but I also needed to talk to other people. I found it useful to talk to others who had gone down this road before, women who were currently in my shoes and people who had never walked in my shoes before (medics, strangers, friends and family). The interesting thing was although the people I spoke to could not reverse what had taken place nor guarantee a ‘happy’ ending they provided a platform for me to ask questions, they listened and sometimes their encouragement brought comfort and gave me a glimmer of hope. And sometimes their comments made me very upset. I certainly had mood swings. The funny thing I discovered that though my situation looked bad some other women had it worse off than me and I ended up crying for them and myself after hearing/reading their stories.
We all need an avenue to be real, to say how we really feel and that in itself is liberating.
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1 comment May 8, 2012
Tags: baby loss, being real, can't handle this, don't suffer in silence, I need to talk, its ok to cry, mood swings, motherhood
I still have Faith
Although I was taken aback by my baby loss episodes, I came to the understanding that it is not over and God indisputably has my back. Our second child Faith was born premature. I was confident she would survive and so I prayed. When the doctors told us we were losing her, I prayed the more and trusted God for a miracle. Faith however passed away nine hours after birth. Despite the fact my prayer was not answered, I still had Faith in this God I prayed to. I was more resolute in my Christian faith and made up my mind that nothing would stop me loving God. My journey through loss has demystified certain myths I once held and I have now acquired great insight into certain issues people grapple with in the area of loss.
- God is still God even if things don’t turn out the way I expect
- ‘Bad’ things surely happens to ‘good’ people
- God hears me even when it doesn’t feel like it
- Times of pain and loss reveal where our hearts really lie and what we believe
- Even when death occurs, it is not the end
Faith is physically not here, but I still have her and I am looking forward to the day we will be reunited to part no more. That’s a little incentive for me to maximise my life, make it count, make a difference in the lives of others and make my Faith proud!
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1 comment April 27, 2012
Tags: baby loss, can God hear me, good people cry too, not giving up on God, premature birth
From loss to joy!
We were made to believe that my first son’s death was unavoidable and it was unfortunate Isaac was born stillborn. As the days and weeks passed by, I spent time processing what happened and lots of questions ensued. The response we got from the hospital was unsatisfactory and we decided to take it further because I felt if we let go, the same thing would happen to another family and I was also disappointed with the level of care I had received. After going back and forth for nearly three years, some of my complaints were upheld by the Health Care Commission but due to the length of time it had taken to get to this point, we had very little time to take the hospital to Court. I found the whole thing mentally, physically and emotionally draining. At that point I was upset that after trying for so long to get to the bottom of what happened, time was not on my side.
About two weeks to go to this deadline, I decided not to proceed any further because the road to discovery was far off, and neither an apology from the hospital nor compensation would replace what we lost. Instead I decided to let my loss/pain benefit others in similar situations and to prevent the same thing happening to expectant mums. It was not an easy journey but looking back, reaching out to other women in my position presented me with the opportunity to turn my loss to joy!
2 comments April 7, 2012
Tags: baby loss, letting go, loss to joy, negligence, stillborn
My pair of shoes!
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown
Add a comment March 25, 2012
Tags: baby loss, fresh start, my pair of shoes, paradigm shift, stronger woman
I choose to celebrate Mother’s Day
Mother’s day is a day I celebrated once I got married for two reasons: firstly as a mother figure to others and secondly due to the fact I had the potential and opportunity to now become one. However I found myself in a bit of a dilemma (did I qualify to be called a mum) when my trying to conceive period was longer than anticipated and after losing two babies in a row.
As we celebrate Mother’s day today, I have come a long way in my understanding of who a mum is. Motherhood in my opinion can be biological, non biological and can be envisioned by faith before it becomes a reality in the natural realm. I learnt not to go with society’s label of whether or not I was a mum. I chose to be ‘happy’ each mother’s day and to celebrate with others although physically speaking I had no biological children. Of course I longed for the day I would hear my children call me ‘mummy’ but my vision of being a mum kept me going, kept me joyful and kept me praising. In the meantime then I spent time preparing for motherhood (reading, asking questions, observing other mums, babysitting (not too often though) and planning) and pouring my life into my non – biological children.
Today, I classify myself as a mother to Isaac and Faith who are no longer here and to both my two sons who are still here.
Perhaps you too have lost a baby (ies) or you are trying to conceive, today is a day to celebrate in expectation of the children that are coming into your life and for the many lives you have encouraged, invested in, sown into, cared for, prayed into, given wise counsel and sacrificed for.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Add a comment March 18, 2012
Tags: baby loss, celebrate, mother figure, Mother's day, who is a mum
A moment like this
No words can describe what I felt as I held my third baby who was born alive and full term. That moment was priceless. This is one moment I had looked forward to with great expectation, faith and longing the first and second time. But on both occasions I returned home to an empty cradle. Having experienced both sides twice (2 babies that are no more and 2 that survived) I am very grateful and feel privileged to have both boys in my life.
The journey from losing two babies to having another two more was an interesting one. The main thing that kept me going was hope. Hope that believed, relied and trusted in God. Hope that God would not let me down and I could count on him. Hope that my expectation would be a reality. Hope that there would be light at the end of this ‘dark’ tunnel. Hope that my desire and dream of having my family would materialise. Hope that my story would take a different turn. Because I had hope, I kept going month after month, I persevered when my medical prognosis seemed bleak and I chose to try again after two ‘unsuccessful’ attempts.
In my situation because I lost two babies in a row, hope did not occur automatically. It was a daily battle which I conquered by taking my eyes off what had happened to me and what I was told. Instead I chose to focus on God’s take on my situation and have faith in him so that my hope for ‘living’ babies would actually happen in the near future.
Miracles still occur, as you look ahead don’t give up hope.
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Add a comment February 29, 2012
Tags: empty cradle, faith, hope, miracle, moment like this
Footprints in the Sand
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rqsltr5vsE&feature=fvwrel
Continue Reading Add a comment February 29, 2012
Tags: always there, baby loss, carry you, count on me, not alone, walk with me
Lean on me
Lean on me
I have come to the realisation that no matter how ‘strong’ a person is, there comes a time or season in every one’s life when we all need someone to lean on. And it is okay to be vulnerable and to ask for and receive whatever support is required.
Personally I found the texts, phone calls, cards and prayers from friends, colleagues, my biological and spiritual family very encouraging. More so the visits and embrace from certain key figures (mentors) made a world of difference by bringing hope, peace and comfort.
Just as I have benefited from the care and love offered by those mentioned above, it is imperative that I am available for others to lean on in their ‘trying’ time. I am always perplexed at how we as humans indirectly withdraw our support to the bereaved and can carry on with business as usual a few weeks/months after their loss. This may be due to not knowing what to say/do and the belief that the bereaved needs to get over it and continue with their lives.
Sometimes it is difficult for people who have not walked in these shoes before to understand the full implication of baby loss. Hence they may be unable to fully comprehend your actions, anger, frustration, disappointment, pain or guilt. However there are many others who can identify and walk with you on this journey.
You don’t need to walk this road by yourself, there are people you can lean on!
1 comment February 17, 2012
Tags: bereavement, hope, journey, lean on me
Peace in my storm
Even as a child I always dealt with my own problems partly due to my secretive inclination and having a friend in Jesus who totally understands my issues. So when my challenge started with conception and baby losses it was only natural to stay put and trust God. Every time I was asked what was going on, I just reassured the person that all was well and very soon the baby (babies) would become a reality. But when I was on my own I had to deal with my frustration, doubts and get myself back on the track of faith and the vision that I am a mummy.
For anyone that has been in this position or is currently in this place, it is definitely not an easy place to be. From my observations generally in this area and other areas individuals’ are trusting God for a miracle some people run from place to place, church to church and still with no peace. I totally believe counsel (godly, appropriate and timely) is necessary, useful and liberating. But after the counsel we just need to wait till there is a physical manifestation of the baby in this case.
Personally for me, I wanted to get first hand information from my saviour, teacher, counsellor, redeemer and ‘friend’ what was going on, what I should do and what the future holds. So the advice from others (family, doctors, pastors and friends) was a bonus if deemed applicable. When going through such a challenge everyone would have an opinion, some are bold enough to tell you theirs. But it is not everything I heard I took on board. I learnt to sift counsel through the sieve of God’s word.
God spoke in time past and he still speaks today. He is interested in my affairs and he surely wants to guide and lead me through whatever tunnel, storm and trials of life I encounter. The key if you are still waiting to conceive or believing God for a safe pregnancy and childbirth is to ‘hear’ from God yourself. Perhaps you have prayed and you are still waiting to hear, do be patient till you hear. Sometimes he already has spoken but we are totally unaware. Also if we expect him to speak in a certain way and he does not, we miss what he has to say. From experience after I have heard God, it is much easier to have faith in God and relax because God who said it is more than able to bring his word to pass in my life. However it is in his own time which in hindsight I have come to accept is the best time.
How I hear from God (if you are wondering)
- Through reading my bible (the word of God) certain scriptures stand out and I know he is drawing my attention to them
- Sometimes I hear God speak to me (still voice and audible voice) and he drops a scripture in my mind, sometimes it comes across as a thought i.e. Isaiah 41 verse 10 is one scripture I got through this means
- Through people, nature, events, my experiences and others’ experiences and circumstance
A previous post (‘while you are waiting’) highlights some practical steps you can implement before your bundle of joy arrives.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid (John 14:27).
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Add a comment February 2, 2012
Tags: hearing God, peace, storm, Trusting God
Ears in my pain
I discovered that my ability to really ‘hear’ in the midst of my pain was a determinant factor in whether my pain would break me or serve as a spring board to greater things. And what I heard gave rise to faith in my situation and instilled confidence in me that things were not over, although in the natural it was over (laid two babies to rest in a space of ten months).
So how did I hear and what did I hear?
How I heard
I have often heard the statement that when a product breaks/things go wrong you should either consult the manual and/or the manufacturer. So in my case due to my Christian beliefs, I consulted my manual, the bible and my maker (God Almighty).
- Personally when God speaks to me, he does so through every day analogies that flash across my mind as thoughts
- The bible is a living testament that is applicable to every life situation, as I read it, I heard him speak through various scriptures about what had happened and what was to happen
What I heard
In a nutshell God assured me through his word that he loves me, will never leave nor forsake me and I will end up with babies that would live and not die. As a result of what I heard God say to me regarding my situation, I developed faith to be ‘a mum again.’
So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God (Rom 10: 17).
My resulting faith in God demonstrated that I had absolute confidence, trust, assurance and conviction that I would have healthy, full term babies and easy childbirth experiences going forward. Let me point out here that even though God gave me his word that I would have more children, challenges still showed up.
For instance when I was 33 weeks pregnant with my third baby, I was in hospital for my regular antenatal check. My baby was monitored for over an hour and I was soon to be taken off when suddenly his heart rate dropped drastically (extreme bradycardia) and a few times the machine did not record any readings. All I could say was Jesus and screamed for the midwife. Immediately she saw the CTG trace she called for other colleagues and they started preparing me for Theatre, in the midst of the commotion, I remembered to call my consultant who dashed in and asked them to recheck his heart beat. And gradually it picked up. I believe within those few minutes his heart rate dropped something happened but God saved my son. He was born exactly at 37 weeks full term with no complications and labour happened just like that, in 22 minutes.
Each time I got a negative report about either of my subsequent babies, I meditated on the particular scriptures God referred me to and the ones that related to my circumstance in the bible and enforced it in my situation.
The fact that God spoke into my situation did not mean I should sit back and accept my fate when the arrows came flying in my direction again. I had to call forth the word to do what it has been assigned to do.
Regardless of your situation (whatever it is) spend time seeking God’s face to know his mind regarding what you are currently facing and once you hear, run with it.
God’s word is living, alive, powerful, active, and effective. It surely works!
1 comment January 25, 2012
Tags: bradycardia, faith, God's word, its not over, pain
